ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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