I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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