i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
