all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
