Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
