Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
