I'm gonna have a badass scar
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
