New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
