i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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