Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
if only i could text you this smell
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
