Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
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