Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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