i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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