I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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