I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
