I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How does one acquire holy water?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
