Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
