dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
zippers are such a cool invention
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
