She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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