I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
