I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
