508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
