one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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