Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
