My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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