She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
