Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
