Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
