i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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