My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
