Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
