Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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