I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
