eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
