did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
