everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think I sprained my soul last night
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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