she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
