I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
