Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
