she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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