When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
