Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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