You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Randomize
