remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
