So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
