Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
