currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
