Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
