Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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