Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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