You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
